Reinventing the Rules for Boys

Moms of boys I decided to redo the rules. It seems like I read over and over again about how it is to have a daughter and frankly for a long time I felt I was missing something. Especially since you hear this motto of girls staying close to their moms while sons leave you once they take a wife. I pray all the time that this shows untrue and I really do love having a boy and would take more.....meanwhile here are my 20 rules of having a boy

1. Always be there, when the going gets tough let him know that mom is still his #1 fan and has his back

2. At some point no matter how much you try he will try and get in your bed, let him no matter how tired you are. Once there yes he will kick you and tackle you but heck he is only a child once

3. Sometime probably before he is 5 he will tell you he wants to marry you. Commit this to memory as someday (probably 10 more years from now) he will be saying under his breath he hates you. Repeat the marry you phase in your head over and over, walk away and keep smiling

4. Play with dirt and act like you like it, yep I rather not but he wants you too and you wont die doing it

5. Save him. Yes we want our boys to be manly boys but when they are under a certain age they need mom to save them and make them feel better. Be there shoulder ready, whenever

6. Be interested in things that interest him, its easy to say "yep" over and over when hearing about Lego's for the 17879 time but open up and be interested in it, really try!

7. He will have punk friends resist hating them and forbidding their existence. Most of them are just in the punk phase and feeling their oats, its what boys do, go with it

8. Yep you look silly making dinosaurs attack each other but they are only young one time get down on the floor and growl if that is what works

9. Tell him he is handsome as some day the girl he likes may not think so, assure him that the "best one for him" will think he is the most handsome

10. Let him know that he is smart because he works hard and tries to the best of his ability not because you want him to be smart

11. Help him understand he needs to please no one in this life but himself. Doing the right thing is an internal success and that is why he should do things

12. Kiss him every day until he will not anymore as some day they become embarrassed that mom is kissing them before they leave the house or go to school

13. Let him play in a puddle and in the mud, that is why they make washing machines and soap, no one died from dirty.

14. Make a big deal of his birthdays as there will become a time he no longer lives with you or wants to celebrate them elsewhere

15. Let him know about the day he was born, how badly he was wished for and how all the years made you feel, don't hide it

16. Someday he will be a parent, he should be thinking on that day "I want to be like my parents, they were the best"

17. Learn to trust him, as hard as this is, your lessons will come through and he will hear your voice in his head when making a decision

18. Let him know you accept him for anything he is and to never be afraid to tell you anything

19. Let him know he can always come home and you will always care for him

20. Savor each day and say I love you, as one day they are babies and before you know they leave for college and beyond. Each day is so important

Are You The Mother You Wanted To Be?

I am very active in a Debate Board, sometimes a very heated debate board but I totally love it. Today the question was asked "Are you the mother you wanted to be?" Many people were answering it with yes I breastfed, yes I used cloth diapers, yes I made all my babies food but, when I personally pondered the question I thought who gives a hell if you breastfed/cloth diapered/made food? OK clearly I know the medical world says breastfeeding its the best choice but I chose not to, I just felt odd about it for lack of a better explanation, some days I regret it and think I should have tried but I certainly do not think that makes me a bad parent. I also do not think I am a bad parent because I used Pampers or I opened a jar of Gerber baby food but what does make me a good parent? I answered it saying this...

For me being a good mother is raising a child who is taught to be polite, decent, caring and treats people the way he wants to be treated. Who knows he is loved beyond words and how much he is wanted. Who knows he does not need to be perfect, do anything he does not want to be or do anything special to please me as he will always be the best to me and loved by me no matter what transpires in life. Who trusts I have his back even when I want to kill him or he lies to me. Who knows I will tell him when he is wrong or judgemental to try and make him open minded and open to new things.

I sort of then chuckled at the other answers that people gave like breastfeeding or cloth diapering and thought, really do they think that makes them a good mother? Do they realize how wrong they were? Do they realize that many years from now no one will give a shit that you did not put Pampers on your kids bottom? How does this make them a good person, a good adult a functioning member of society?

You know working in a school district I see so many different types of children, heck so many different families and frankly sometimes the parenting puzzles me. We have children that are such horrible bullies to other people and I think (heck I say) did they not teach their child not to do that? To be tolerant of differences? To not hit people or call people names? When this now bully teenager was 2 and hit someone did you tell them no? Did they redirect and tell them that we do not hit people? It seems so natural to me to do that, would I just let my child hit people? Who are these parents?

I remember the first time Ryan saw an older woman with a walker and he yelled out "LOOK mommy that lady cannot walk " as we walked in the elevator with her. I said "Ryan this lady had trouble walking and this helps her, she walks different than us, different is not bad just different" The woman said to me "Thank you, you cannot believe the nasty things kids say" I thought really? People why are you not teaching kids to be tolerant, again its not about breastfeeding or Pampers it's about real life, how to function like a good human.

These parent whose most important thing is mashing their own squash are very much in trouble, they are the parent of children who make fun of quiet kids, black kids or not so pretty kids. Teach your child who they need to be to live in a society, teach them that just because someone is different that does not make them bad. Teach them you love them for their differences and you are the one person that through anything will be there for them, teach them they no one is allowed to make them feel inferior unless they allow them too and that includes you. Teach them that you will never hurt them or dislike them for choices in their life whether sexual orientation, being with someone of another race or religion or being a garbage man when you want them to be a doctor. Teach them how not to be that asshole guy at the bar who punches someone that is "bothering him" or the jerk at the ballpark everyone wishes was not there.

Yes we all want to keep our children healthy, feed them the healthiest, keep them safe BUT that does not make a good mother teaching them to be all the things in my answer to the Debate Board does!

Quote Obsession

I am realizing lately that I have a quote obsession, like I literally think in quotes. I don't mean these quotes " ", I mean inspirational quotes like "Don't cry because its over, smile because it happen. I have a strange and weird addiction to them, like I think about them in my head all day everyday. Like I search them on the Internet and read them always looking for the perfect quote. I describe myself in an inspirational quote and I have a list of quotes in a Word document on my desktop so I don't forget them. I make Ryan a photo album yearly to go over the past year and it is always chock full of them especially the ones that are about how special he is or things to inspire his future.

I am starting to think it is not so much an obsession with the quote per say as it is to FIT the quote or to inspire me to be more or not depressed or something weird like that. Its like living in a novel.

I even have a quote in my office on the wall (as you see in the photo) to inspire others I guess or maybe I am showing my quote obsession to the world or something, I think I have a mental illness or something....LOL! I have a new love of the website Pinterest and of course that is feeding into it more and more since I search for the word quotes or the word inspiration and look for hours for another thing to "pin" to my board under the title of inspiration of course

Isn't it some sort of OCD when someone repeats a behavior again and again, I have that I am convinced, among other things. I am not sure what I am looking for with these inspirational quotes but I have to read them all the time. I think I am hoping to find maybe an answer....

An answer to what I have no clue but someday I guess I will find that quote that tells me

His Personality

Ryan is so much of me, he is a character and always looking to make you laugh, he has that humor that I have that is witty and a tad sarcastic and sort of blunt, the not-trying humor, it just comes out funny all the time even when you are not trying. He has the perfection gene, the gene that I many times define as one of my faults. The same gene that made me practice my letters at 5-6 years old over and over until they were perfect, or re-write my shopping list because I cannot fit the cereal in I need to be in the exact spot it belongs on the list, or put the milk the the same spot in the fridge every time. He has it bad too, to the point that he will cry that he went outside the lines coloring, or the picture he is drawing is not absolutely perfect or the Lego will just not fit together the exact way he wants and I try my darnedest to make him understand that nothing has to be perfect but it does not always work. This same kid would cry if he got milk on his clothes or food on the floor because that was not "right" or "what good boys do" until finally I convinced him that is what washing machines are for or what brooms are for.

Ryan is also very much Peter. As much as he is the humor and perfection of me he is the quiet, shy, loner of Peter and frankly it boggles me, for lack of a better word and sometimes bugs me because I don't get it. I have that parent thing that I always feel the need to try and make everything perfect for him, mixed with teaching him right and wrong and how to handle life currently and in the future. I do not in anyway want to change Ryan I just want to steer him in the right direction.

Not that long ago about 1 month after Ryan changes schools his teacher wrote a note to me, it said "I hope Ryan is comfortable here he plays alone A LOT" and yes she capitalized it. I read it and said to her "that is Ryan, he is fine" and that is Ryan, but honestly it has bothered me since that day. Yes Ryan loves to play alone and do his own thing but he also likes to play with friends sometimes too he is just good on his own.

Why does this bug me so much? Probably because its not what I would do, play alone when you can play with friends? Why bother...So of course I watch him in every situation now with other kids and you know he does play alone a lot, most of the time. Is this an only child thing and I have damaged him without a sibling? Is this a good independent thinker thing? Is this an anti-social thing? Or a shy child thing? Or this is what I want to do right now and you don't thing? I wish I knew and could get it

Just recently we were at a party and there was I would say 12 or so children and again Ryan was doing his own thing and I was sitting by Peter worrying about this and telling Peter how I felt, he said to me "OK he likes to play alone what can you do about it? Are you going to force him to play with other kids?" Of course not, I kind of like that he is his own leader and not a follower but what about other kids? I am afraid that he will be lonely but Peter is right what can I do? Should i even want to do anything? Peter was that kid and survived and thrived just fine

Ryan is a good boy, a really good boy. He listens and always wants to do what is right, he is that child that wants to do right by his parents. He is smart beyond his years and loves school, he loves science, Spanish and sign language that he tells me about learning daily. He is a gentle boy who would never purposely hurt anyone, he is wise and caring. He is a perfectionist who is quiet and likes his own self and does what he want to do when he wants to do it and does not need a friend to do it. For all of these traits will make him a wonderful adult and this is just his personality, just who he was born to be. As much as I wish he was not shy in groups and more outgoing with people at times I would not change him for the world, he will always be perfect to me. Shy or outgoing he is what he is

Although I will admit its tough for me as the parent of a child who is not totally like me I need to understand the differences between us and nurture them and let them thrive in the future. Ryan and I are very close and we understand each other, I know exactly how to talk to him when he is bothered by something, I know how to relax him when he is bouncing off the walls or how to comfort him when he needs it but yet he is so different, he is a lot of what I'm not and its odd to me....

Its amazing how alike and different we are, lets not even go into how much he does NOT look like me

Travelling The Same Road Twice

At this moment my family is going through a really tough time with the terminal illness of my grandfather and I feel like we just did this with my grandmother, it was May 2010 and I am not sure I am up for this again. Clearly I don't get the choice and I realize that unfortunately since I come from a line of people who live long this means that those people are all late 80's or 90's at the same time and that is seeming to be our limits. Again my connection with God is coming front and forward in my life and honestly with each turn at this it makes me more of a believer and follower of what I have been taught.

When my grandmother was failing she was cared for by the wonderful hospice people and one of the things they discussed with us in length is the stages of death and how a person moves from the living world into death. I found it amazing that there are real stages and people actively go through the stages like clockwork as did my grandmother, I read the handbook and it was like someone was sitting at her bedside writing it down.

Why? Is this how our organs work, this is how they fail? Or is a higher power responsible for us going through these stages? In my mind this cannot just be how organs work why would it be, do they have a life expectancy like a car engine? Why does some organs then fail at infancy like in SIDS or at 35 or 91? Its just to odd form me to comprehend that to be the case

The pattern of the stages of death seem too orchestrated to be "just how the organs work", why do people not need nutrition or fluids anymore when clearly we needed them from the moment of our birth. Or why do people who are actively dying sleep in a sort of comatose state, seemingly to block ourselves from pain? Why are we left to be able to hear our loved ones to the end as our hearing is the last to go? Why do we many times need our families to let us go and free us from our living world obligations?

There must be a God that controls this and gives people the time and peace to die without fear and without pain. So many times you hear that the dying speak to family members who passed before them, I know my grandmother did is this just a coincidence that they are hoping for that person in their death or that person has truly come for them?

I belong to a very active debate board which I frequent daily and there are many atheists on the board and religion seems to come up a lot, the more and more I deal with death I just don't get them. Do they not believe because they have not looked at what is placed directly in front of them? Why do I believe that there is a higher power because I have opened my mind to it? Or again is that how it is suppose to be? What are they missing that they have not seen the signs or proof of more? Will the be afforded the same "stages of death" at the hand of God even if they do not believe in life?

I always had a tremendous fear of dying and trust me I am still not thrilled about it ever happening or having to leave Ryan and never see him again but I am starting to truly believe that it is not over when you are dead and that makes me feel good. It makes me feel so much better right now as my grandfather faces his final days, it makes me happy in my heart that I am sure he will meet his son again that so sadly passed before him or his parents who I am sure loved him so much. And in all my sadness right now for not only myself but for my mother, my aunts, uncles, cousins, grandmother, etc it strangely makes me happy inside that I know for certain that once he has passed we will meet him again someday. I am not sure why I feel that certainty now or where that message is coming from, but for me right now I am simply confident.

Understanding Limits

It seems for me lately this common message has been coming up again and again and I am starting to get it. Many times we are not ideal, we do not conduct ourselves they way others would want us too. I don't mean we act silly or anything, I mean the way we parent or the way we are a spouse or friend. Recently a friend of mine was talking of her mom and she said "She is not the mom I wanted but she did the best she could physically do, she could not do any better and I know that." Hmm interesting, people have limits, people cannot always be what we want. It sparked a great conversation.

I spoke of my grandmother and my father, they always had a difficult relationship and in her older days my father tried to speak of how he felt of his childhood. He perceived his childhood to be terrible and she did not perceive that but this is from a person who father was an alcoholic and died when she was 12. In her mind THAT was a horrible childhood and her child (my father) had a wonderful childhood, its all in the perception. Now I understand that it does not make my fathers perception change but there becomes an understanding that she absolutely did what she thought was best. She ultimately never wanted to hurt him or make him unhappy she just did not see a problem, what more could he have wanted? He wanted a more active mother, a more loving mother and that was not her, she is not the huggy lovey mom, she was not the huggy lovey granmother either. I wanted more from her too but she was not capable of opening her heart that way, its not in her makeup. You either accept it or let it bother you but its not her fault she did not do it to be hurtful, our personality has limits.

I realize that this is true in any relationship, unless you are a horrible person no one intentionally tries to do something to a person they care about that they would dislike. How many times have we had the fight with our significant others and hear ourselves say "sorry for trying to be nice" OR "sorry for trying to make you happy"? I sure know I have said that but I now realize that while maybe I thought I was doing my best, it was not what the other person wanted at that moment. Maybe he needed more from me at that moment and instead of the snarky "sorry for trying to be nice" seeing what he needed internally was the better answer.

Although, I think it is hard to stand there and think "could I have given more?" OR on the other side say to yourself....My mother/father/husband/etc did what THEY think is best and they are incapable of anything more and that is OK

People have limitations in personality, people have limitations of what they think is right or wrong. People who love you will never intentionally make you sad or hurt, you they are giving the best to them and we as people who maybe want more or something different have to realize each persons limits and that is what makes them.

Being A Mom

The picture to the left is Ryan and I in the NICU, he was 2 days old with the little IV in his hand (he had low blood sugar) on my shoulder as I rub his back. That picture still remains to be my favorite picture of Ryan and I. I remember in that picture thinking I could not believe I was sitting here with this baby, MY baby.

In the years Peter and I dated I knew that Peter was OK someday with or without children, there was no option for me. When we got engaged I told him that having a child was not something I would negotiate and if he could not agree to that then we could not be together. Clearly you can guess his choice, we agreed we would have 1 child and reevaluate from there. I was married at 35 as no spring chicken we started to try and have a baby and as I have told in the past I then experienced infertility. I was told by 4 doctors I would never conceive a child on my own, only with medical help. After many bumps in that road I miraculously became pregnant with Ryan.

14 weeks of bed rest and too many complications to count I did not care I loved being pregnant. I never understand people who hate pregnancy, I just don't get what there is to hate? The thought that I am growing another human being was insane to me and I relished every twitch from him. I remember vividly in some of my last weeks pregnancy laying in bed with him just having the greatest time in there and pushing out his foot right by my belly button. I would push back and he would pull away and then do it again and again, he was so human to me, so real, this was my baby doing this, the baby I was growing, what a miracle. I remember the night he was born laying on the operating room table for a second thinking OMG this is insane, there is a baby in there? They are cutting open my body and a whole human with a beating heart and a working brain is coming out into the world and he will live and work perfectly, how is that possible?

Not to minimize people who adopt child or chose to live a life without children but until you are handed the child you created, who grew inside you, you truly have not lived. It is the most crazy yet surreal moment, the most love you ever felt in your whole life overwhelms you and you know at that moment you would die for this person. All you can do is cry with joy and thank the lord above for giving this wonderful gift to you. In that moment every thought of infertility was gone, every second of depression over not being able to conceive has left your head and every bad second you had ever experienced does not matter. These thoughts of extreme love never seem to minimize either, I looked at Ryan today at 4 years old on this Mothers Day and I thought to myself "I wish I could express to this child what he is to me" and then I thought "how do people not feel this for their children" I thought of the horrible people in the world like that Casey Anthony that would chose to kill their own child (yeah allegedly, whatever) how do you do that? How, I will never understand.

This past Friday Ryan's school had a Mothers Day tea and while I got stuck at work at the last minute I sent my mom to stand in. They told how they surveyed each child about their mom, the first question was "What is something your mom says all the time" The most popular answer in the class was "no" or "wait" but Ryan's answer was "I love you." This not only melted my hearts but made me realize that I am doing good. My son does not think of me as the mother who reprimands him of which I clearly do or the mother who brushes him off with a "wait" but I am the mother who loves him and tells him that all the time. That is one of my major goals as a mother, not only to raise a good, polite, law abiding, decent child but to raise a child who feels love every day of his life and therefore can love others and someday be a wonderful parent to his own child

While Ryan will never know this, I always wished for another child, I wanted again to feel a child inside of me and bring another human into this world to love as much as Ryan. I realize though that through everything there is a grand plan that I do not understand and maybe someday when I meet God he will explain. There must be a reason I was given Ryan (and only Ryan) who is just hands down perfect. Me and him are so close, we really seem to just be on the same wavelength or something, we really understand each other, he is so much like me. Sometimes when I comfort him or really have a good talk with him I know he feels that too, we are very connected, I can see it in his eyes. God knew who and what I needed exactly

Ryan, The day you made me a mother was truly the best day of my life. I love you every single moment and thank you so much for being mine, there is no one better XOXO

Getting Older

So this Saturday (May 7th) I will be 43 years old. This blows my mind, I am not exactly sure when I grew up but clearly it snuck in there somewhere.

Did you ever see that Oreo commercial where the man is driving the car and there is a little boy, maybe 3 in the car seat in the back? Well he is driving and eating an Oreo as is the child. He opens it and is licking the filling while looking back in the mirror at the child doing the same, clearly it was not a busy traffic day or he is multi talented to eat , twist, look and drive all at the same time but that is not the point. He says out loud "The mear (is that how you spell that?) fact that I am responsible for another humans life is amazing to me, I am not old enough for that." That is exactly the way I feel daily, I think they should have cast me in that roll, I would have been perfect!

Things from yesterday seem so fresh, I remember high school like it was yesterday and I remember sitting with my friend Mary (OK Mariangela or Marie or whatever she is calling herself these days) in front of her house, clearly I was 17 since I was in the car, yep my 1971 Pumpkin Orange Toyota Celica, talking about New Years Eve 1999 to 2000 and how old we would be then; lets recall I was 32 in the year 2000, whew old!! We talked about where we thought we would be in our lives, how I would be married (well we know that was untrue) and how I would have 2-3 kids (whoops not true either) and probably need a babysitter to go out partying that night, (yeah that was not happening either, we were all worrying the world would crash, remember?). I remember thinking the day I graduated high school how I could not leave all my friends, who would I know, who would be my friend, I saw nothing past next week or month. Then came friends weddings and babies and who moved and went away to college and yes we lived and grew and unfortunately got older.

Through the wonderful world of Facebook I have found many of those old friends again and always cringe when I see age in there face as I still think of them as 17-18, I cringe when I hear that there children are going to college or that they are getting married or becoming grandparents. ACK!! I cannot get past the fact that I am old enough for any of that, I feel like I am not, I look in the mirror and I look no older to me, but sadly the world knows it I am not 20 anymore and when some 16 year old calls me "ma'am" I always want to punch them in the face, sorry kids!

Ultimately, I have realized that the alternative to getting old is being dead so I think I will go with the getting old option but I just wish it would slow down. I realize that simple things like being able to have a baby (OK not simple for me, but in general) are at the point in my life that I say things like "I am too old for that." Heck they had "AMA" (Advanced Maternal Age) on my chart when I had Ryan in 2007, what would they put now? WPAMA- way past advanced maternal age? or WTOSDO- Watch this one she is damn old?

The funny part of this whole thing is though I LOVE my birthday, ask Peter he will tell you because it's more like birthday week or heck even month. I tell him that the day I was born God went "Hmmm Hmmm" and raised his arms in joy, Peter CRACKS up at me!! I like surprise present of which I never get any because my husband needs "lists" all the time but heck I just love present so not sure why I am complaining. I hate that it is always near Mothers day because he tries to squish the 2 gifts together, ummm not happening buddy. But birthdays is general rock!!

All in all I think it should be a national holiday that we all celebrate together. Like Cinco de Siete, I guess that is sort of already taken or Happy Jill O Birthday Day?! We'll need to work on the name

One Year

Tomorrow, May 5th is the 1st anniversary of my grandmothers (Quatrochi) death and lately its been on my mind. She was 97 years old, OK I lied she was "really 96 year old" she had this crazy story about how when she was 14 (in 1927) she wanted to work, her dad had died (he was an alcoholic) and they were very very poor. She was one of 9 kids and they needed money but you had to be 15 to work. She went to the church to get her birth certificate (why,no clue she was only 14) and the church burned down so they told her they would make her a new one "So when is your birthday?" she said "October 4, 1912" when she was really born in 1913. Crack security back then, huh?? So now that she was 15 she could work, her mother at the time used to make Rye in the bathtub (it was during prohibition) to make money but now she could help her mother and siblings. That 1912 birthday stuck with her forever and anytime you asked her "how old are you?" the answer was "I am 82, but really 81", it always made us laugh.

Let me first say that I loved my grandmother but she was not one of my favorite people, in her final weeks I saw a different person, I think maybe the caring grandmother I always longed for. She had a VERY difficult relationship with my father, he was an only child and he felt she always treated him terrible, now clearly I was not there in his childhood years but my father struggled with this for years and I believe what he tells me. He left home at 17 years old for the navy and never looked back, he admittedly said he went just to get out of his home. Now understand, my grandfather, who passed away in 1988 (I was 20) was the most wonderful man ever, so it was fine with me that she basically did not deal with me or that I felt she could not have cared less about me sometimes. Now Glenn (my brother) that was a whole different story, she loved him and would admit that to the end. See, I am my fathers daughter we are very alike and Glenn is much different, very much like my grandfather.

In her later years, after my grandfather died, my father always took care of her, he offered for her to live with us and she wanted no part of it, but she did move into a senior apartment close to our house. Trust me she drove him nuts and continued (in my eyes) to not treat him so well but she was his mother and he took the best care of her he could, I respect my dad more than ever for that.

In the last 2 or so years before she died she became more and more demented and because of it a bit more caring and oh my she loved Ryan, although she called him everything but Ryan, I am not sure she remembered his name actually. All of a sudden April 2010 she stopped eating and drinking, it got so bad she was admitted in the hospital and to make a long story short no matter what was done she would not eat or drink. At this time, I would go to the hospital and sit with her and my father and most of the time she did not know me, and when my dad would say "This is Jill" she would say things like "Oh you grew up so big" or when I bought her Ryan's picture she was shocked that I (her young grandchild) had a baby. This went on and on for a long time, a longer time then you could imagine any 97, really 96 year old could live without water and she had an advance directive stating she wanted no feeding tube or IV for nutrition so her wishes were followed. Then it became worse and that went to really bad and we bought in hospice. Hospice explained to us the stages of death and not eating was something that many people do during the last weeks of life.

In these weeks I saw a different person, a person who no longer was uncaring but a person who now acted like she loved you and wanted to see you. A person who was funny and told things about her past that we had no idea about. This person that would never ever pick up a phone and call me no matter how sick I was or how many days I was in the hospital because she was MY elder, suddenly was wanting to chat with me. I found myself wishing for this person all along and wondered if this is who she was all those years and for some reason never expressed that.

In her final days when she basically was comatose she spoke few words but the words she did speak made you think she was talking to my grandfather. She would say things like "No Joe, I am scared" which made me wonder if her final openness to us was him getting her to do that and make a sort of closure to us and finally show her love for us. After too many days of really the most horrible ending ever, she passed away and I think all of it made me feel differently about her.

I know she loved me as she did my father, I think she was a strong personality who was not expressive with her feeling and frankly just had some personality clashes with us, as me and my father are strong personalities as well. I do now remember as a kid all the things she did do for me when I was convinced she could not care less that I was there. I sadly think I needed the way she died to understand her more and strangely I am happy that she was clarified for me.

RIP Grandma, I know you are with Grandpa, your love, again which is what you waited 22 years for.

Until we meet again XOXO

I Feel Like I Am Starting To Belong

I moved to Central NJ in September 2005 after living my whole life in North Jersey and I honestly never totally felt like I belong.

When Peter and I got married, Peter moved to Little Ferry into my condo at Ledgewood, I loved that darn condo, it was my home that I bought all by myself, all $71,000 of it in 1995, I was not going anywhere, this is where I belonged. I was North Jersey, I was urban, anyone in the "south" part of NJ was a hick, people there say "hoagie" what the hell is that, its a hero people??!! Then we realized that Little Ferry to Cherry Hill for Peter to go to work was like 90 miles ONE way and Peter could not do this forever but heck my job was 7 miles from home, whats the issue? LOL

So we decided lets move in the middle and I would work on moving to a new school district to hopefully one day work close to home and Peter would only have to commute 35 or so minutes to work, so off to Central NJ. Somehow we found our town, our house and here we are. I like my house although I would love a another bedroom, I am not super fond of my town and would welcome a move if the real estate market came back but that's a whole other post. I do love that we have a really big fenced in backyard and a nice bunch of neighbors on both sides,but I always felt like I did not belong 100%. Frankly when we first moved here I was quite depressed and remember saying to Peter "I could fall over and die in the driveway and no one would care about it at all" I wanted to go home but I would have never said that, this was where we needed to be but I longed for friends that were local all while missing my friends that were back home

I then was lucky enough to get a local job in a school district in the town directly west of the town I live, its like 10 miles door to door and I was so very happy to not have the commute anymore. Although again, I was starting over and now I did not even have the connection to North Jersey on a daily basis and again I felt more depressed. But I met some new people at work and it felt more and more like home, but again never like when I lived where I grew up and went to school.

Then the daycare debacle happened and I reached out to the families of the students in our little school. The school that really was very family like unlike our new very big school, through this sad time I started speaking more and more to one mom (you know who you are, I'll leave it at that) and it really has made me feel so much more like I belong. I long for friends that understand me and she absolutely does, actually I think she is my twin who was separated from me at birth we are so alike. While I still have that in my old friends whom I love dearly, frankly I just have such a hard time getting up to see them in North Jersey between work and having a 4 year old.

I really love Central NJ and have for a while and know that I would never return to live in North Jersey ever again. I love the open space, the lack of traffic and living among things like farms and horses, the horses I pass everyday going to work instead of the factories and malls. I love that my parents sacrificed to come here to be near Ryan and know they like it here too, this is now our home. I love all the people I met here but meeting this new friend has made me feel more like I belong, feel more like I have a friend here instead of people I am friendly with, it's really great

To you the friend I am speaking about I am thankful to have met you and hope we will be friends for a long time :-)

The Biopsy AND The Next Problem

So yes I finally did it, I finally had my throat biopsy done, actually I did it April 14th, again I walked my butt into Valley Hospital and some ungodly hour and laid down to let them have at me.

First I would like to say I friggin LOVE Valley Hospital, honestly if any of you in the area of Ridgewood, NJ even need anything done it's really is a wonderful place with a wonderful group of doctors. The staff in every department I have even been in ( and trust me that has been many) are always so professional and nice and take such good care of you, really they are worth there weight in gold and clearly the reason I drive up there for anything I need done.

So we get to the hospital at 6:00 am which required a 4:45 am departure from East Windsor (shoot me!!) and they put my right in the "Same Day Surgery" area. They give me the kick ass, butt baring gown, lame-o slippers with the non slip stuff on the bottom and a brand new hospital bracelet that so nicely lets the world know I am 42 years old, seriously is there a need for this info to get out? Does this change the procedure or anything like that? Lets rethink this Valley Hospital for future visits, OK?

Then the whirlwind begins.....

No less than 5 people are in the room, 1 of who is asking the same questions over and over or the second person asking to list my previous surgeries or the woman jamming an IV in your hand, the anesthesiologist asking some other random questions and then there always is the random people who you know are from the OR because they sport the oh so trendy hair net hat thingy. And you then realize "Crap this is for real"

Ohhhh and let me not forget to tell you about the anesthesiologist I had this time, UGH is my very first thought. Picture this....6 foot, normal weight, bald, big nose, sticking out ears, nerd with glasses, like really a nerd, like the kid you beat up in school nerd but clearly a smart one who went to medical school. He comes in and grabs my chart and it flipping through it and meanwhile the papers are everywhere he is mumbling because he is looking for something and I am trying to talk to him, he is listening but I am starting to freak a little that he is not paying 100% attention. I am trying to tell him about the throat issue and how he needs to know this to intubate me and he is hearing me but he was freaking me out with his disorganization . I said to the nurse (with a oh holy hell look) "Dr Rosen...whew" and she reassured me that he was a VERY good doctor and everyone gets that impression. Dr Rosen from Valley Hospital if you ever find my blog please for the love of god look less scattered your killing me here!! OK? Thanks

So now the time comes and we go into the OR and thankfully my wonderful doctor starts telling the oh so scattered Dr Rosen about my throat and how I am to intubate and what to watch out for. Dr Davis THIS is why you are my doctor and you get paid the big bucks because before now Dr Rosen was scaring the hell out of me. Meanwhile Dr Rosen proclaims "Nurse so and so I need epinephrine in the field please" OH great, crazy Dr Rosen, who I am scared of, now we need epi in case you need to revive me? Please for the love of God put me to sleep, I beg you for narcotics!! And fast.......

Clearly I woke in the recovery room and it felt like Alaska or possible Antarctica, I was freezing and shaking. The nurse takes my temp and says "No wonder your cold your temp is 96" and she throws one of those heated up blankets (FTR...this is the best part of being in the hospital, I really need a machine that heats my blankets up) on me and then one on my HEAD! I mean like a big twin size blanket folded up that it was like a hat that goes around your head and under your chin so you only see me face peeking out, you know sorta Eskimo like. It was HYSTERICAL!! I wish I had my photo.....where is my Iphone when I need it? I need to post to Facebook damn it, Iphone STAT!!!

So my doctor comes in recovery and I swear I am so drugged up and in my Eskimo blankets he was like foggy to me, very foggy and he mentions that my calcium is very high so he is going to have my blood drawn. In my drugged up stupor I say to him "I heard this before from my regular doctor, OK" and proceed to sleep.

So hours later I go home and holy moly my throat is killing me but the codeine is helping a lot, like helping me so much that I could have become addicted to the stuff if they gave me enough but damn them they only give you so much. A week later I get back my biopsy and thankfully it is benign and yes world I am going to live, move over peeps!

No no no not over yet though, lets not jump the gun, I ask about the calcium level which again was high. Now I know from my Medical Laboratory Technician days that a high calcium is NOT good. Calcium is so important in your body that it has it own regulatory organ, actually it is the only mineral in your body that does, they are called your parathyroid glands (you have 4). Now don't go thinking they are related to the thyroid because it is not, only by location as they are located on the back of your thyroid, thus PARA thyroid, Para means "next too", like paralegal or parasite. Look my blog is like a learning tool too!

Anyway, 90% of the time when someone has a high calcium level it is because 1 of the 4 parathyroid glands has developed a benign tumor and guess what, it needs to come out!!! Yes I said it, I will need surgery to get it out, can you believe my life? So we are doing a few other blood tests (which I just did yesterday) to confirm that it is the parathyroid and we will go from there. I am hoping that it is not BUT if it is not the parathyroid gland the other things it can be are worse and with the parathyroid surgery once it is done you are cured

Keep you posted.........

I Miss Him More Than I Can Ever Express

My best friend Carlos was born September 20, 1965 and died May 18, 2003 at the age of 37 years old, it was his daughter 1st birthday, the autopsy said he died of natural causes. It was 3 1/2 months before my wedding, 13 years after he became my friend, only 1 1/2 years after he married, it was one of the worse days of my life and I know for sure I am not alone he was loved by many.

Let me for a second explain who Carlos was. He was 1/2 Puerto Rican and 1/2 German and he had 5 brothers and sisters. Of all the boys in his family he had the most Puerto Rican name and looked the most German, people always were surprises when they would come in work and ask for Carlos and out would come this German looking guy. He looked like a motorcycle guy, well actually he was a motorcycle guy, he had a Harley Fatboy, with long straight hair and he was a big guy, like linebacker big not fat big. He was the Harley guy with a foul mouth who smoked to much and sometimes drank too much too, but he was loving and nice and would always have your back.

I met Carlos in 1990 he was a Mechanic and he worked for me at Laidlaw, we were immediate friends and talked and hung out all the time. He had a 4 year old son from a previous marriage who was in his full time custody and I just adored that child. We did many things together, from just hanging around at his house, "cruising" in his Mustang GT which was stolen out of Jersey City no less than 5 times and a trip to Hershey, PA where we drove along singing to his son "Kyle Kyle bo bile, banana fanna foe file, me my mo mile, Kyle" for hours, yep even the big Harley guy sang that song too, that is who he was, he was a wonderful father. He was the person I called with problems, the person I bitched to and the person who was the most fun!!

Many people in our lives thought we were in a relationship or at least having some sort of sexual relationship and that was not true it never was, he was my friend always and only. We had some of the best times together I will never forget the night we decided we had some sort of talent and made a "band" with a group of his friends, it was the saddest and funniest sight ever or the night we decided to BBQ at his apartment and had nothing to light the BBQ so we used my hairspray, trust me that does not work all that well. Or I cannot forget the night he decided he wanted to go to the strip club so I went with him even after quite a few men told Carlos he better be prepared to protect me, what a blast and clearly I lived through it.

He had taken a job still with Laidlaw in Massachusetts about 2 years before his death and moved away, he wanted his then teenage son to have a life away from the streets of Jersey City, I was never so sad when he left but it was for the best. I still spoke to him all the time, he was my rock and the person who I spoke to about my F-ed up life and health. He was the guy I called when I got engaged, he was first, before my other friends and he was so excited for me. I guess you get it now, he was my best friend.

Monday, May 19th I walked into my office and saw there were messages on my voicemail but did not get to them right away, then the phone ran and it was my friend Kenny (he was a mutual friend of both mine and Carlos) He said "Carlos died" and I said "Carlos who?" never imagining he was talking about my Carlos. Kenny confirmed it was my Carlos and I screamed at him "WHY WOULD YOU CALL ME AND JOKE LIKE THAT" he told me over and over he was telling me the truth and I hung up on him, I was convinced he was lying to me. It took no more than 2-3 minutes to realize he would not lie to me over this and reality set it, it was true. The next few days were horrible to say the least

Here I sit almost 8 years later and I miss him more than I can say. I think about him all the time, I think about how in his 20's he used to tell me he will never live to 40 and when I would ask him why he would says "I don't know but I tell you I will not live to 40" I hear songs on the radio that remind me of him (especially Here Without You by 3 Doors Down) all the time, I see a group of men on motorcycles and I think of him and I dream about him all the time. I am convinced he comes to me in my dreams and could swear that one night while laying in bed he was standing in the doorway, I still feel very close to him, I still feel he is in my daily life.

Life without Carlos is still so raw, still so painful as I write this now after a night of dreaming of him, I have a knot in my throat and I am holding back the tears, wishing I could just call him and talk to him. I still worry about his now 25 year old son (I have reconnected with him through FB) who was the little 4 year old boy we used to sing in the car too, I wonder if he remembers that? I know he remembers what a wonderful man he was.

I loved you Carlos, I love you today. I know you are with me and I know you see what happens to me every day, I am certain of that. I wish I could just talk to you one more time just for 5 minutes, I would do anything for that to happen. I hope you are at peace and it gives me great joy to think that someday when I die and go to heaven you will be there to welcome me and again be my best friend.

So Independent

Today Ryan started a new daycare center, more affectionately called "school" to the working mother crowd. In case you missed it Ryan's former school (that he has been in since 6 months old) closed suddenly and I mean suddenly, just 1 weeks notice.

The daycare debacle (In case you have not noticed I name all the events in my life ,its an illness, you just have to move past it..LOL) was a big one at our house, Ryan has friends at his old school that he loves so much, he talks about them all the time, you know when you are 4 that is a huge part of your life. When I told Ryan that his school was closing, first thing out of his mouth was "Mommy I want to go to school with all my friends", I made no promises that we could do that.

So today was day 1, I have been agonizing over this for days, heck make that weeks! I spent 30 minutes crying to Peter last night over it, over leaving my baby boy and he is crying. Heck normal crying would be bad enough, but the teacher holding him so you can leave while he SCREAMS "Mommmmyyyyyy" while reaching his arms out to grab you crying I could not take and told Peter I may not make it through the day if that happened. Dramatic much??!! But I swear that is how I felt. I have been trying to prep him about the change but this is me here, the queen of overreacting so I was trying to back off some too. I took him on a tour of the new school and he met his teacher too, I hoped that would help. Last night I had him help me pack his brand new Pottery Barn kids Batman tote bag and asked him to help me, figuring it would help with the transition. When in doubt bribe him with Superhero merchandise, works every time!

This morning he wakes and I remind him "New school today" and he says "I'm so excited" and off we go. He did GREAT at drop off even though he was visibly scared and told me so in the car, he wanted to play alone even though some of the boys in his class tried to engage him, but that's my Ryan, he needs time to warm up and pulls away more if you push him. I then told him I had to leave and to my surprise he said "OK mommy" I kissed and hugged him and walked away.....OK I lied I did not walk away then, I walked back for another hug and more kisses and then walked away all while he was watching me looking sad.

I fought away the tears as I left him, I was heart broken that he was scared. It took everything I had not to walk back in there and stay with him until he softened up to playing with others. I realized in that moment how independent he has become and how much of a big boy he is now. Peter said to me last night in my crying rant "He will be fine, kids can surprise you" and he was right, he did surprise me. We went through so many Mondays even at his old school when he cried because he wanted to spend the day with me not at school, and while I secretly loved Ryan for loving me so, I wished he wanted to be at school and did not cry because it hurt my heart so much. Now this time he did not cry and it still hurt my heart so much because I thought he was scared. Ugh where does it end? As he gets more independent I guess this is what happens

For the record I am counting the minutes until I get to go get my little boy, I can't wait to hug him and hear about his day and of course there is a little reward batman costume/cape at home for him, because reward presents work every time too just like bribery, kids are funny like that....LOL

I also have realize today there is a major reason that God gave me only 1 child. He knew that I would be a wonderful parent but he also knew that the worry for more than one child would probably kill me and leave my children motherless.

I can't wait to go pick him up!

For Today I Have It All

Today is much better, I feel less like screaming and more thankful. Today I had my eyes opened (again) to its not as bad as it could be...

I just finished ready an article about a little girl who will be 4 on March 26th (exactly 1 month younger than Ryan), she was recently diagnosed (I believe this past summer) with a brain tumor. This particular type of brain tumor is very aggressive and basically has a 0% survival rate, she is not expected to live until her birthday. They say in the days since the diagnosis it has already grown from golf ball size to grapefruit size and still growing fast. She is living her life to the fullest every day and just returned from a special trip to Disney world from the Make A Wish foundation. Her parents even have given her an early "Toy Story" birthday party.

Amazingly this child (Delaney is her name by the way) so young has accepted that she is going to die and accepted her fate. She recently said to her mother "Oh mommy, I am so excited I'm dying." The mother said "Who told you that?" She said "God did."

Delaney has weeks or maybe days left to live but before she goes she has one last dying wish "...for everyone to give each other a hug"

How sweet is this child?

This is when I said to myself, today you need to get out of the funk. You have a child the same age as Delaney and he is fine, he does not have anything terrible to endure, heck he does not even know what dying really is.

Throat biopsies are nothing, Brain tumors now THAT is something, THAT is something to get stressed about.

I realized that I really do have it all. To be a parent with a child like Delaney how do you deal with such a thing? How do you deal with the fact the baby you gave birth too will be lost to a horrible disease like cancer? Honestly how do you go on at all?

My biggest issue today is if I should get the 2 maple trees in my backyard that I just know will come falling on my house soon, even though they look to be alive, taken out for $1300. Or when the hell the car insurance bill is going to come since it seems to be so late or what day of the weekend to cook corned beef and cabbage because holy crap there is a lot of calories in corned beef but it is so damn good. Mmmm

Today I have it all.....

I will deal with the sword my doctor will put in my throat and all my doctors appointments.
I will pray for Delaney and hope that her passing is not painful and peaceful and God takes care of her
I will pray that her family gets past the loss of their child
I pray that this is something I never deal with, never ever

Today is good and healthy and perfect

Again?! Your kidding me, right?

Again the whirlwind of doctors start and it is stressing me out, actually that is an understatement, I am really ready to scream my head off!

You may remember that back in November when I was going for my abdominal surgery they halted the surgery because a mass was found in my throat, well actually on the back of my tongue, the part that is down in you throat. They looked at the mass back at the time and told me that it needed to be biopsied followed by the wonderful news that general anesthesia was needed to do that because as the doctor put it "It is like sticking a sword in your throat." Thanks doc! Why do I get all the doctors that are comedians?

I was going to have the biopsy done at abdominal surgery "take 2" in December but my Colon/Rectal surgeon talked me out of it stating that if I need a nasogastric (NG) tube due to complications that a swollen and injured throat would be a major issue. Good to know, so if I need a tube jammed in my nose to my stomach the sword cut throat would cause problems. This all sounds like a barrel of laughs doctor. Needless to say I listened and did not do the biopsy at the time and in the end I did not need a NG tube anyway, darn!

So after much procrastinating I need the darn biopsy, I cannot even express how badly I do not want to go and do this but I scheduled it. I originally scheduled it for April 21st, since I am off of work that whole week and this would not require any more days off of work. Well then the surgical coordinator called today, it went like this....

Her: I need to move your surgery, April 21st is Passover the doctor is off all week, I have April 14th
Me: (**thinking** of course he is nothing is easy) Ok make it the 14th
Her: Ok the 14th it is.... Now you need to see he again this month since he has not seen you since November we have to make sure the mass has not grown to much, how about March 14th.
Me: Ok, so we have April 14th and March 14th
Her: Yep and then you need a Pre-OP visit, how about April 8th?
Me: Ok, April 14th, march 14th, April 8th
Her: Then you will need Pre-Admission testing at the hospital, call them maybe you can go on the 8th also. AND you need medical clearance from your primary doctor to so make and appt there too
Me: Got it.......UGH!

So I called the Primary care physical who is on maternity leave which lead to the next story "Oh I don't know when we can see you , this is a special visit since your doctors on leave...blah....blah...blah..."

So now I got appointments on March 14th, April 5th, April 8th and April 14th. I swear my boss is going to kill me!

This lead me to think of the story of the doctor who was a real jerk to all his patients and then he got sick himself and realized how hard this is for the patient. The appointments, the running around, the stress of it all.

I swear I am going to scream!!

Sorry I just needed to get it off my chest

Ryan's 4 year old "letter"

Every year I make Ryan a photo book, I compile them at Shutterfly and its a good 100 pages (probably 300 pictures) from over the past year. I hope sometime in his future he treasures these books and pictures detailing his life and how much I love him. I always start the first page with a "letter" to Ryan from me. Again I hope one day when I am long gone he has these letters and truly understands how I felt about him and how much I treasured him. Here is his letter for this year (and yes some parts of it are famous quotes its not all me)....

It's the moments together that change us forever

Ryan,

This is my wish for you: Comfort on difficult days, smiles when sadness intrudes, rainbows to follow the clouds, laughter to kiss you lips, sunsets to warm your heart, hugs when spirits sag, beauty for your eyes to see, friendships to brighten your being, faith so that you can believe, confidence for when you doubt, courage to know yourself, patience to accept the truth, love to complete your life.

Every year I sit down to write this and the past 12 months fly through my head like a movie; I think, what a great year we had, I also tend to say to myself "that was the best year and age yet" I am starting to realize this is what I will always think, I will always remember the greatness and forget the hardest moments. I will love the stage you're at and forget that this may have been the most trying age yet. You continue to thrill and amaze me everyday, please never stop.

I can hardly believe you are 4, where do the years go? I remember so vividly wanting you to be born, sitting in the glider feeding you a bottle and sleeping with you in my arms. I remember you not talking or walking or even holding up your head for that matter. I remember having to return to work and taking you to daycare, I swear I thought I would die and now you do everything I wished for and more. I am not sure I am ready for you to get any bigger, I want you to be my baby forever, I want you to love and want me as much as you do right now. But as I write this, getting all choked up I want tomorrow and everything it will bring.

Ryan, I love you more than I can ever put on this paper, you carry my heart and soul in your eyes, and your smile and hugs melt me. I cannot explain it and you know what I will not even try. It is something you cannot understand until you are a parent, but its true, pure make you all teary eyed kind of love and I have it bad.

Mommy xoxo

Bragging

I am going to say it right up front this is a total brag post so if you feel weird about that I warned you. You know its something we generally do not get to do in life, its just not acceptable to toot your own horn all the time.


I am home today its another snow day in NJ, Ryan is here with me. As I type this he is on the internet on the laptop Peter set up for him.


I was just sort of daydreaming thinking about the fact that he was on the computer running the mouse and navigating though the Playhouse Disney page and realizing his smarts, it really blows me away


Now maybe this is totally normal knowledge for a child who will turn 4 in a month but I have been told he is way ahead of his peers.


This child knows all his colors and shapes including things like octagon, trapezoid and pentagon, he knew all of these by 18 months. I actually have a video of him at 18 months doing the shape sorter saying all the shapes and placing them in the sorter like nothing. At one point you see him say "It's on the red side" and he looks and turns it right to the red side.


He currently can count to 100, he knows all his letters capital and lowercase and can identify them. He knows the sounds each letter makes and can give you an accurate list of words that start with that letter. He has been doing this for minimally a year already if not more.


He recently, I would say in the last 4 months starting to be able to write. He can write his name and all the capital letters. He understand opposites and rhyming for years, he can spell many words and can even read, maybe 10 words


His vocabulary is insanely large, he was a very early talker and always ahead in this area. I took him for a speech evaluation about a year ago because he was stuttering (which he still does off and on) and the speech therapist was so impressed with his language and the length of his sentences, she said his speech was way ahead



Peter is very smart, like one of the smartest people I ever met, he has that weird knowledge about a lot of different things he also started to read at 3. I consider myself smart but normal people smart, I think he got Peter genes,thankfully.


I think forward to the days when he will go to school, I feel like he will going to kindergarten and be like "Huh, I know this stuff already" and wonder if that is a disservice to him? We have a local private Academy school that is for students that excel you need to test to get in and be ahead of your peers. I sometimes wonder is a school like this the right road for him?


I always felt that children should be challenged and not left to conform with peers who maybe are not at an advanced level but then I wonder about placing undue stress on him too. Or is it stress at all if he is at an advanced level? OR is he advanced at all? Maybe I am just a crazy parent who thinks their child is awesome


Actually maybe I think to much about this and I just should let him be and see what happens but as his parent I want him to excel in the right place.

Ugh I think to much....LOL!

The Battle Of The Bulge

Why are some people predisposed to be thin and some overweight? Is it that we are predisposed at all? I am not sure

If we are not predisposed to be thin or overweight how is it then that children in the same house could have such different weighs?

My brother and I grew up in the same home with the same parents who required us to sit down to family dinner nightly. Sitting down to dinner (as many of my friends would tell you) was not an option it was what we did. So we ate the same foods and had the same set of rules for eating. The rules where we only drank milk at dinner and we always had to eat our vegetables, as far as the rest of the meal we never were made to finish it. My brother never had a weigh issue, I did. Hmmm?

How did we each learn such different views on food?
Why did I think it was OK to overindulge and he did not?
Why would I eat till it hurts and he did not?

I remember one time at Thanksgiving saying "Oh I am so full it hurts" and he said to me "Why do you do that?" Why does he not do that? Because it tastes good, hello? What is it in our head that makes us eat to much when we know we will feel like crap later.

I have been on Weight Watchers now since August 14, 2010 and to date have lost 43.6 lbs and I feel great. My health is better, I feel better and I fit better in my clothes (my new 2 size smaller clothes) but can I really change forever? I pray to God daily that I can

I fight everyday for thin, I count every point and have been eating super healthy but is there something somewhere that has to click to make a permanent change?

I was just talking to a co-worker (my size 2 co-worker) about exercise and how there are people in the world who love it and crave it and people who loath it. Are people "made" to love exercise or born? I compared my feeling for exercise by using a food analogy (of course)...I always hated tomatoes (which I love now...weird!) but I always though they looked delicious. It's the same way with exercise, I don't like it but it looks delicious. I need to change my feeling of exercise like I did tomatoes. Wonder how I do that?

Are we born to be a certain way or can we change it?

Winter

You know something I hate winter. Actually that is not being said with quite enough emotion...I HATE winter more than just about anything!

Seriously why do I live in NJ? OK wait I know that answer, my family is here. Can my whole family move somewhere warm please? I will follow all of you, I promise!

I wish I could go to sleep on December 26th and wake up April 1st. Lets weigh the pros and cons about winter, shall we?

Cons:
Its friggin cold
Its friggin dark
It friggin snows
There is friggin ice
My heat bill goes up
Did I say its friggin cold

Pros:
Christmas is in Winter
I go to Florida yearly in the winter
Ryan's birthday is in the winter
And sometimes I get a paid day off because school is closed


This morning we has a snow/ice/rain storm. The roads were glare ice, I joked on my Facebook page that I had to ice skate just to get to my car today. Schools called a 2 hour delay but after the 2 hours were up driving on local streets was still hell.

Why is this necessary? Think about mornings going to work in July.... No jacket needed, bright and sunny out with the occasional rainy day, no big bulky clothes needed and daylight till 8:30pm. I mean I see no issue here, summer is where its at with a bit of spring and fall mixed in

The moral to the story is the cons of winter outweigh the pros and there is nothing bad to say about the summer.

I think I am going to start a petition to ban winter and do 4 months each of Spring, Summer and Fall.

Who's with me?

I Can't Believe Its Been Almost 4 Years!

Ryan's birthday is next month and he will be 4. How is that possible? Time does fly by and wow it depresses me sometimes.

I had many infertility issues, I went to my doctor took all the drugs and nope that failed. I went to another doctor, took all the drugs and that failed. I went to a 3rd doctor and he basically told me "You need IVF" I went to get IVF and they found a huge cyst in my ovary and next thing I knew I was again in the hospital having surgery and I lost 1 ovary and tube. I had to go to Mt Sinai because no one even wanted to touch me, so I guess I was lucky? That was January 2006.

I gave up....I needed a break....I was a depressed mess...but I was done trying for a while

Somewhere in July 2006 I sat in a Weight Watchers meeting with my mother and told her how I was feeling so sick, that my Crohn's was acting up and I could not take it, I swear I could barely eat. On my ride home that night I thought (why no sure?) "OMG am I pregnant?" and my next thought was "When was my last period?" I looked through my calender and realized it was Memorial Day 2006 and there was no recording of a period in June at all. I went right to CVS and bought two different pregnancy tests, the multi packs so I had now 5 tests,and as anyone who has ever been pregnant knows you cannot wrap your head around being pregnant until you have at least a few positive tests of different brands. LOL!! So, I took the test and literally instantly there was a + sign. I thought I would die or hyperventilate at the very least. I called Peter on the phone and asked when he would be home and he said soon. He walked in the door and I lost it, I was crying so hysterically I could barely tell him. I was PETRIFIED! What the hell did we do? Almost 4 years...meds....surgery and all the doctors telling me no... I was pregnant! All I could think was HOLY SHIT!

I did everything right, I ate right and gained little weight (only 8lbs total to be exact). 16 weeks I had an amnio (due to my "Advanced Maternal Age") and he was perfect and a BOY!! Although I originally only wanted a girl I was thrilled. OMG a baby boy, I called everyone and anyone on my way home and for the next 2 hours.

19 weeks down... I went for the Level 2 ultrasound and everything again was wonderful but the director said "We really should have you back every 2 weeks because you had previous cervical surgery (for dysplasia) , just in case" Little did I know this was the best medical advice ever, I owe Ryan to her.

I came back every 2 weeks and even more since I now had gestational diabetes and all was good in the world, my OB (who has been my gynecologist for 15 years) even commented that I was making this look easy. I remember saying to him "Don't say that you know I do nothing easy" WOW...how true that was!

Then came my appointment the day before Thanksgiving I was 25 weeks and 2 days. I had 2 appointments that day, one with my OB, one with the specialist. I got caught in my OB's office because he had an emergency and almost cancelled my ultrasound but didn't and left my OB's office to reschedule that for later. Another very smart move but who knew at the time.

I went to the ultrasound and met my mother (she wanted to come and see the baby) and the first thing they did was measure my cervix. Now from having these done I knew it needed to be over 2.5 cm, under was 2.5 cm was"critical" and 2 weeks before I was at like 4. She measured at minimum 10 times and the screen kept reading 2.0 or 1.9 or 1.8. I was panicking to put it lightly. She asked me if I was having contractions and literally ran out of the room for the director. I thought...contractions? Of course not. In came the Director and told me I needed to go to the labor and delivery at the hospital, OK now I am freaking.

So thank god my mother was there and took me, they wisked me in an hooked me up to the baby monitor and I was having contractions that I could not feel but were changing my cervix. I learned that night that if I did not have the ultrasound that day the contractions would have continued probably until he was born at 25 weeks gestation. ACK....to say I was freaking at this point was an understatement. The miracle baby I was never to concieve could not be born at 25 weeks, please God this cannot happen.

From that moment until Ryan was born at 39 weeks exactly by C-section after a failed induction my pregnancy was a whirl win. I was on bed rest now for the next 14 weeks. I had to have my legs up at all times, I could only go down/up the stairs once a day, I could only shower every other day for 5 minutes. Lets just say I spend way more time on the internet than any 1 person really should.

I counted the days of pregnancy just to get him more developed, we celebrated the weeks. I remember my mom would call all excited each week "We are at week 27..." As the weeks went on and he was still inside, I relaxed slightly and then came my elevated blood pressure (pre-eclampsia). I would go to the specialist and my blood pressure would be 200/107 and she would send me back to L&D, this happened week after week. I learned to leave a packed hospital bag in the car.

The nurses at Valley all got to know me and when they saw me weekly they knew right what to do, it's sad really. I once knew all the nurses from the surgical ward and now I was making myself through the L&D ward too. Honestly they were wonderful and just love Valley hospital.

My doctor induced me at 39 weeks he wanted control of my delivery and of course 13 hours later at 7cm after a manual dilation I again failed. C-section here we come! At least that went fairly easy, my perfect baby was OK and full term.

Someone said to me when I was pregnant, bad pregnancy...good child and man they were so right. Ryan was a super good baby he almost never cried and when he did it was he was hungry 99% of the time. He has been this easy to this day too, I am so lucky. Now please do not get me wrong there are days I want to run down the street screaming at the top of my lungs or maybe throw something at the wall but he is really a model child.

I cannot believe it has been almost 4 years. I remember my baby boy coming home like it was yesterday, he was so small (6lbs 11 oz) his coming home outfit was out and we had nothing small enough to fit him. We walked in the house and I took him from his car seat and looked at Peter and said "Now what?"

You know what though, we figured it out and honestly I rock at this parenting thing if I do say so myself.

I prayed for him and someone knew I needed him, I am forever grateful for every bit of these past 4 years.

He is my one and only miracle and he is perfect

The Road Back

I have been of a slacker lately but I am back today

The road back to recovery and health has been a tough one but I am happy to say I am close to the finish line

I had surgery on December 2nd finally, after the surgery which was scheduled for November was stopped due to the discovery of a mass in my throat (I will touch on this later). I guess I had forgotten when you wake up from major abdominal surgery what it really felt like, holy shit the pain was intensely horrible! I remember the nurse in the recovery room saying "we are getting them to bring up the PCA (Patient controlled analgesics) machine now for your pain meds" and thinking...Maybe you should of had that here waiting for me, no? Of course before you know it, the machine was there and hooked up but then they start the task of getting you ready for the move to your hospital room. Well this included flipping you around to get your gown back on and covered with blankets and all the machines hooked up and making sure nothing important like the catheter in your bladder gets pulled. Normally this would not sound all that bad but with 2 large cuts in your abdomen with a total of 40 staples this is something morphine can not even help you with.

For those of you who do not know what I had done I had a Parastomal hernia which is a hernia at the site of the ileostomy, the #1 complication with ostomy surgery. Now normal people get a hernia and they do laproscopic surgery and put in a mesh and all is done and you arehome the same day. But due to having Crohn's disease this was not so easy. Crohn's disease does not like the mesh patch, whatever the material is, almost 100% of the time it is the source of attack for Crohn's disease. Since the patch would be located immediately under my ileostomy, if Crohn's attacked there we would have a major problem or as the surgeon called it "catastrophic problem." So my surgeon told me we needed to move the ileostomy. All I could think was UGH! its so good where it is now...no, I don't want to!! Now I know none of you really get this, but when you get ileostomy it is a challenge in the beginning, it works all weird, the size of it changes for a good 6 months-1 year. It's a challenge to find the right bag to use all while facing leaks and skin burns from the intestinal contents....let's just say this it sucks ass in the beginning. I was not looking forward to do it again but that was the plan.

So they take me to my room and get me into bed (holy crap that hurt!) and the recovery begins. Wow it was hard this time, its been almost 11 years since my last intestinal surgery and age must be a factor because this was a tough one. I had a mid line cut for the general abdomen access and a cut at the old ileostomy site (so they can close it) and of course the spanking new ileostomy now on my left side. I am also am so lucky to have this big ass drain at the site of my old ileostomy that was less that comfortable but would hopefully help keep an infection away. I was in the hospital 4 days. Day 1 was the surgery day and you already know how that went, day 2 was not that bad,actually as good as the day after surgery could be. Then came day 3...OMG this was the day I wanted to die or OD on morphine or anything that would make this less painful! When you have intestinal surgery your intestines completely shut down and stop working a sort of paralysis. So you get an incredible build up of gas in your intestines that hurts more than any surgical cut, staples or labor with Ryan and clearly I forgot about this. The only real help is to get rid of the gas, which of course is a challenge with your intestines not working so it gets worse and worse. And then they inform you the pain medication makes it even worse by keeping your intestines paralyzed so they make you walk the halls to get it moving. Sounds easy, right? Well its pure hell, the pain is horrible but I was determined to get rid of the pain that had me moaning in pain so I walked and walked and walked till I was going to fall down, the nurses thought I was their star patient but I was just desperate for relief. Then came day 4 and the pain was still there and it was really bad so I walked and walked and walked and my intestines starting working a little so I walked and walked and walked. This went on for a week- 10 days.... The pain was hell and finally the gas pains were gone. Those are 7-10 days I hope to wipe from my memory at some point.

From that point I had vomiting for 4 days, a low grade fever for 2 weeks and, I got myself a kick ass case of thrush (a yeast infection in your mouth) from all of the antibiotics and general yuck. Food was not good and just made me feel bad and I was tired constantly. I slept in a recliner for days because I could not lay in bed and took Percoset just to be able to sleep at all.

And the road back moves on....Here I am about 6 weeks later and my everyday is totally pain free, I am not allowed to pick up or carry anything for "a long long time" according to my surgeon. This was right after he told me that he was impressed the mesh patch held because the defect in my abdominal wall was huge and he had to cut out a ton of destroyed muscle and tissue. Good to know doc! One day last week I bought one of the LeCrueset enamel coated cast iron pots from William Sonoma that weighs more that Ryan and realized after I purchased it that I should not be carrying it but what was I to do then I was standing there in the mall with it all paid for? So I went right to my car, carrying it all the way, thinking this is not good and paid for it with pain for the next 3 days. OK note to self no carrying things...nothing for along long time! But trust me its a kick ass pot!!

So its not totally over as I need to have a biopsy of the mass in my throat or actually the back of my tongue. Good news is my doctor does not think it is lymphoma but rather an overgrowth of lymph node type tissue for no known reason. I am probably going to have it done in April when I have a week off of work because it is done under general anesthesia in the hospital and I must stay in the hospital at least overnight to make sure my throat does not swell so bad that it effects my breathing. I really do not want to go back to the hospital, I still feel like I need to get past this last surgery. I am not sure if that makes sense of not but for the moment its all still fresh and the pain is still right there in the front of my brain. To do it again right now...ugh!