My best friend Carlos was born September 20, 1965 and died May 18, 2003 at the age of 37 years old, it was his daughter 1st birthday, the autopsy said he died of natural causes. It was 3 1/2 months before my wedding, 13 years after he became my friend, only 1 1/2 years after he married, it was one of the worse days of my life and I know for sure I am not alone he was loved by many.
Let me for a second explain who Carlos was. He was 1/2 Puerto Rican and 1/2 German and he had 5 brothers and sisters. Of all the boys in his family he had the most Puerto Rican name and looked the most German, people always were surprises when they would come in work and ask for Carlos and out would come this German looking guy. He looked like a motorcycle guy, well actually he was a motorcycle guy, he had a Harley Fatboy, with long straight hair and he was a big guy, like linebacker big not fat big. He was the Harley guy with a foul mouth who smoked to much and sometimes drank too much too, but he was loving and nice and would always have your back.
I met Carlos in 1990 he was a Mechanic and he worked for me at Laidlaw, we were immediate friends and talked and hung out all the time. He had a 4 year old son from a previous marriage who was in his full time custody and I just adored that child. We did many things together, from just hanging around at his house, "cruising" in his Mustang GT which was stolen out of Jersey City no less than 5 times and a trip to Hershey, PA where we drove along singing to his son "Kyle Kyle bo bile, banana fanna foe file, me my mo mile, Kyle" for hours, yep even the big Harley guy sang that song too, that is who he was, he was a wonderful father. He was the person I called with problems, the person I bitched to and the person who was the most fun!!
Many people in our lives thought we were in a relationship or at least having some sort of sexual relationship and that was not true it never was, he was my friend always and only. We had some of the best times together I will never forget the night we decided we had some sort of talent and made a "band" with a group of his friends, it was the saddest and funniest sight ever or the night we decided to BBQ at his apartment and had nothing to light the BBQ so we used my hairspray, trust me that does not work all that well. Or I cannot forget the night he decided he wanted to go to the strip club so I went with him even after quite a few men told Carlos he better be prepared to protect me, what a blast and clearly I lived through it.
He had taken a job still with Laidlaw in Massachusetts about 2 years before his death and moved away, he wanted his then teenage son to have a life away from the streets of Jersey City, I was never so sad when he left but it was for the best. I still spoke to him all the time, he was my rock and the person who I spoke to about my F-ed up life and health. He was the guy I called when I got engaged, he was first, before my other friends and he was so excited for me. I guess you get it now, he was my best friend.
Monday, May 19th I walked into my office and saw there were messages on my voicemail but did not get to them right away, then the phone ran and it was my friend Kenny (he was a mutual friend of both mine and Carlos) He said "Carlos died" and I said "Carlos who?" never imagining he was talking about my Carlos. Kenny confirmed it was my Carlos and I screamed at him "WHY WOULD YOU CALL ME AND JOKE LIKE THAT" he told me over and over he was telling me the truth and I hung up on him, I was convinced he was lying to me. It took no more than 2-3 minutes to realize he would not lie to me over this and reality set it, it was true. The next few days were horrible to say the least
Here I sit almost 8 years later and I miss him more than I can say. I think about him all the time, I think about how in his 20's he used to tell me he will never live to 40 and when I would ask him why he would says "I don't know but I tell you I will not live to 40" I hear songs on the radio that remind me of him (especially Here Without You by 3 Doors Down) all the time, I see a group of men on motorcycles and I think of him and I dream about him all the time. I am convinced he comes to me in my dreams and could swear that one night while laying in bed he was standing in the doorway, I still feel very close to him, I still feel he is in my daily life.
Life without Carlos is still so raw, still so painful as I write this now after a night of dreaming of him, I have a knot in my throat and I am holding back the tears, wishing I could just call him and talk to him. I still worry about his now 25 year old son (I have reconnected with him through FB) who was the little 4 year old boy we used to sing in the car too, I wonder if he remembers that? I know he remembers what a wonderful man he was.
I loved you Carlos, I love you today. I know you are with me and I know you see what happens to me every day, I am certain of that. I wish I could just talk to you one more time just for 5 minutes, I would do anything for that to happen. I hope you are at peace and it gives me great joy to think that someday when I die and go to heaven you will be there to welcome me and again be my best friend.
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