Lately I have learned so much about myself. I think this all stems from not being the healthiest person on the block (now that's an understatment).
Since I found out that I again needed surgery I have been really having a tough time dealing with it and the emotions behind it. I went for many years beyond normal person sick but crazy sick with Crohn's. I went to weekly doctor appts followed by weekly tests and blood work. I went and went until I could not go anymore, I could not put up anymore fight then I did already and I gave in to the biggest surgery of my life.
For those of you who do not know this about me I am admitting it today. I have an ileostomy.....
I had my entire colon and "other end" (for lack of a better word) removed and now have an ostomy bag. It is hands down THE SINGLE MOST DEVESTATING THING I HAVE EVER DONE... I will not sugar coat it, I will not put it any other way. It was devestating. BUT it was also the best thing I ever done.
I was talking to Peter on the way to the hospital the other day about this and I explained it as a love/hate relationship. I love the life it has given me now but I hate that this is the choice I had to make. It was a hard surgery to have but since it happen on January 5, 2000, I have been different.
I have been better, I can leave the house, I can go out to eat and to the movies and not live for the bathroom, it has given me life. I learned to deal with it and it was "normal." But my different was not only on the outside (or inside for that matter) it was different inside my head.
I was petrified and no one knew it.... I was depressed and no one knew it.... I was different and no one knew it.
To everyone I was the Jill that is so strong and handles things so well. The Jill who people say "You have such a good attitude about this.
I never felt this way ever
I don't feel this way now with my latest medical mayhem. Honestly I want to be depressed and petrified again but I will not let it do that to me again. I have won the fight before and I will again "win the fight"
I have learned how to deal with my emotions, I have learned how to not be bothered by things I cannot control and not let them define me as a person.
I have learned that it is more important to be a good wife and a good mother then the "sick person." I know that bumps in the road are temporary and there are people that need the whole me.
That is who I will be...
THIS will not define me
No, this does not define you. Is it a cross to bear? Sure. I find you to be very strong, but I also find you to be more compassionate than most people I know, maybe due to your own struggles, but perhaps you have a different perspective on life than others may have. My grandfather had an ileostomy done and handled it very differently than you. For him, it didn't bring him "life", but brought him much grief. I do believe all our struggles are to make us stronger. It's so exhausting to keep visiting doctors, hospitals, "try this", "try that" - and with you, your motivation to be healthy in mind, spirit and body definitely comes from self-worth, but also comes from the incredible love you and your family share. Nothing else can compare. Hope you're feeling better. {{hugs}}
ReplyDeleteI wish I could write as well as Deb. I will just give a virtual hug, and say you are a strong person. Stronger than most, to be sure.
ReplyDeleteThank you Jill for sharing your most deepest thoughts about yourself. This definitely does not define the person you are. For the past 2 years of being your friend I have found out a lot about you and I would never want to change you or who you have become. This will not change you either, we all live with something that has changed our lives tremendously but not who we are. You are my friend and I love you. You are a strong woman, and I've seen a few different emotions from you and they are all natural. Some of the roads we journey down are bumpy but I feel we learn a lot more about life and ourselves that way and I would never change the path I was directed to go down, and on my way I have met you, you have been a great friend and I will walk through this with you and when ever you need me to be there for you.
ReplyDeleteJeanne
Having known you for what seems like forever and having lost touch only to be brought together by none other than FB, I have to say...you are no different now, then you where when we were crazy teenagers cruisin' around in your orange car, singing Take On Me at the top of our lungs!
ReplyDeleteYou've always put on an air of strength and you ARE strong, but beneath it all has always been a sensitive soul with a heart of gold.
You may feel as though you are different and years may have come between us, but reading what you've written has only bolstered what I'm telling you now.
You are sensitive and strong...a wonderful, caring wife and mother, daughter and sister. You care about the people in your life. And let me tell you...They all care an awful lot about you.
We all have our burdens and it's never easy, but if ever you need an ear, you know where to find me! I'm thinking about you and I love ya! :):)
Chris' Pizza FOREVER! ;0)
~Michelle