The Joy of Being 3 (OK Almost 4)

As I just sat here and wrote my last blog post I have 1/2 my screen dedicated to Ryan's classroom at school. I watch it probably way to much but I really enjoy seeing about his day. In the morning after breakfast they do "Circle time." They talk about what the day will bring and they discuss the date, the weather, and there previous evening. Its really a nice time for them.

His current teacher "Mr. Daryl" is really one of my favorites. Ryan really loves him and enjoys his class but Ryan is also at a great stage. This morning as I watch I see him holding hands with Sean and Temi (2 of his favorite people) and doing what looks like Ring-around-the Rosy. I can see that he is laughing and having a great time. When he lets go of his friends hands he continues to spin around and sing and dance. I feel myself smiling ear to ear. In the next few minutes Mr Daryl gets up and has the whole classroom join hands and spin around again and again.

Oh to be 3......

There lives are so wonderful, they are learning new things daily, some bad, like when mom said "Damn" last night after I dropped and broke a whole bottle of hot sauce and so did Ryan 5-6 times at least and some good like the "Pledge of Allegiance"

In the afternoon when I pick him up he is always so excited to show me what he did all day including running around the room showing me his projects. The funny part is that every other child in the room is yelling "Ryan's mom! look what I did" too. They are all so proud of themselves and really just want to show anyone and everyone what they did that day.

I hope Ryan stays like this, he is such a learner and so expressive. He really loves school and his friends and has a genuinely full and fun life. He is thrilled that Christmas is coming and tells me everyday what a good boy he is. He loves our Christmas Elf and has been super excited to find him daily. He even said to me the other day when I explained that I was going to the hospital and would not be home for a few days that he "was fine and not scared at all"

Ah my big boy, I just LOVE, LOVE, LOVE you more than I could ever write down!! Now stop growing!

My Own Mortality

Do you ever think about your own mortality?

I guess I mean coming to terms with your own mortality, how do you do this? How do you accept that this is inevitable at some point? I often get this stuff in my head when thing like surgery are near and as you know it is very near right now.

I am petrified to die, I am petrified that (as selfish as this will sound) that life will go on without me. I am so worried that although I believe in heaven that there will be none and I was wrong. I am scared that I will go inside some box and be put in a wall (hopefully, I have already warned Peter no ground burial) and that is it..... Nothingness.

The first holiday after your death everyone is sad that you are not there but the years go by and although someone may give a little thought about you, life goes on for them and you are forgotten some.

I am so scared of the thought of leaving Ryan, especially at the age he is now. I now see why people have children younger (not that I had a choice) because as you are older you think more about this. I know he would forget me and I would be nothing more than a picture on the shelf of his mother. How do you tell a child who loves his mother so much she is gone? How do you tell the child that wakes up in the middle of the night and calls his mother just to say "I want you mommy, I love you" that she no longer exists?

This stuff drives me nuts, do others think this way? I often wonder how people come to terms with their own mortality. You hear people who have terminal illnesses talk about being OK with dying or ready to die, how do they get there? Is that all faith? How do they get past leaving life?

I remember this past April/May when my 97 year old Grandmother was dying. She basically stopped eating or drinking anything which bought her to her death. There were very specific stages to the death process which was explained to us by Hospice and they gave a a guide on the stages of death. She did exactly what the book spelled out, EXACTLY. It explained that when someone is going through the dying process whether sick or old they all go through the same process, like its a higher plan. I remember feeling like "Why are you doing this? Just drink and eat! Why?" I felt like I could not understand why she did not want to push on and live anymore. Does you really get to the point you are done?

The Catholic priest called me father during this whole dying process and told my father that he needed to tell his mother that is was OK to go and die. He said that although people come to terms with death that their responsibilities in life, like being a mother, keep them in the living world. My father went to her that day and told her that it was OK to die, that it was OK to go and see my Grandfather and be with him again. She had been completely comatose, for the lack of a better description and she reached for his hand and she squeezed it almost acknowledging what he said. She died the next morning.

Maybe in the end it is not so scary after all?

I am FAR from ready to die, the world is not ready for me to leave yet, and in my fear of all of it and the whole process of surgery, I know I will be OK. God gave me Ryan for a reason, that same God would not take me away.

I also have to believe in some small way that God will someday, when my time comes, make me less fearful of death and it process and OK with eternity.

Being Thankful

With tomorrow being Thanksgiving I have put a ton of thought into being thankful for what we have and realizing through all the crap I have it pretty damn good.

I am so thankful for all of this:

I have a wonderful husband that loves me no matter what. He met me when I was terribly sick from Crohn's and dealt with the restrictions even though that was not something he had planned. He sat we me over and over in my many visits/stays at the hospital; when the dreaded ostomy surgery was bought up he gave me his opinion but backed away because I needed to chose for me and when I came home from the ostomy surgery with a horrible body image because of my "new plumbing" he could not have cared less

I have wonderful parents and would not trade them for the world. Although in my teenage years I would not have said this, I was a nasty teenager and realized later that they are the best. Actually it was during my very first surgery in 1996. I was admitted in the hospital as an emergency with 3 abscesses in my intestines and a C. diff infection, I was very very sick at the time, my stay was a total of 16 days. I ended up having my first Crohn's surgery 6 days after I was admitted and about 2 nights later (still in the hospital) I was up at 2:00 am vomiting (and trust me until you vomited with 65 staples in your abdomen you have not lived) and in extreme pain. I called my mother crying and when she answered the phone I realized in my head it was 2 am and she was sleeping. I said to her (still crying) that I was very sick and in a ton of pain but I would let her go back to sleep, she said to me (in her very sleepy voice) "No no I am up now, you are my daughter and I would talk to you whenever, wherever and no matter how long if you need me" I realized in the crazy night no one has your back more than you parents, no one ever. We never fought one day since and we are best friends now

Oh Ryan, I could not be more thankful for him. He is my baby that 4 doctors told me I would not conceive, 14 weeks of bed rest for pre-term labor, gestational diabetes (4 shots of insulin daily), pregnancy induced hypertension, failed induction after 12 hours of labor and manual dilation AND Ryan's heartbeat in the 50's which lead to an emergency C-section. Man that all stressed me out! He is good "like crazy ,what child is this good" good. He is the most caring toddler, now preschooler I know, he is smart way beyond his years and he loves loves loves me. Yes I am obsessed and hope he feels the same for me forever.

My job, I am so damn lucky. I went to college for Medical Technology and worked in Hacken sack University Medical Center for 3 years when Crohn's had another idea. Working in a hospital lab is next to impossible when you have Crohn's so I left it and went into the "family business" of buses. Thank god for those yellow school buses because 20 years later here I am. I am in a wonderful school district with a very easy to work for boss and I am close to home and have rocking benefits, what more could one girl need

My extended family near and far, Peter's family, my friends since I was in school or since I left, my internet friends and even some of them who are not my friends anymore, my doctors (all of them) brilliant knowledge and skill, my past relationships, the people who have passed before me (I miss you terribly, especially you CC) the food on my table, the money in my pocket and the roof over my head.

I am so very, very thankful

Every moment makes an impression that molds me to what I am and who I have become

I am very blessed

Secret Santa

In the past few years I have been so affected (or is it effected?)at holiday time by all the sadness in the world and I have realized over the years that giving back makes me feel so good.

Recently (about 2 years ago) I had a woman that worked for me who lost her husband to cancer. He had a long and sad fight with the disease that eventually took his life. I believe he passed away in January but in December he was home with hospice and VERY sick. She did not even think about Christmas (their children are all in their 20's) she just could not deal with the happy holidays when she was in so much pain over his illness. Christmas morning came and when she woke and went outside, her driveway was full of presents. Not only for her but for her children, husband and grandson too. She was delighted that someone was so thoughtful to take care of her and her family during a time when she needed this pick me up more than anything. I remember her telling me this story with tears in her eyes. Secret Santa is exactly what she needed.

Ever since that time I have been helping someone in some way at the holidays whether just an extra buck here or there or food to the food bank. I saw first hand how happy it made the woman I knew I hoped it would do the same for someone else.

Fast forward to this year.... They are currently having a food drive in Ryan's school and Ryan asked about the food drive daily. So one morning about a week or so ago I went through my pantry and took out all the items I thought could help. I got out canned veggies, soups, pasta, rice, etc and bagged up a really large bag of items. When Ryan came down that morning I showed him what I had done and asked him to help me bring them to the box that morning for the food drive. All the way to school we talked about the food drive and the holidays and people that have less than us. I explained to Ryan that we were very lucky to have money and that mommy and daddy worked very hard to make money but we were lucky to have jobs, and we were lucky to have a family who did well. I explained to Ryan that there were little boys and girls who mommy's and daddy's did not have money or a lot of food so we are giving them food to help them. He said "That is sad mommy, can we bring more food?" I felt very proud of him that day and until this day he asks me everyday if we can bring more. He told me that we should bring peanut butter (there is a photo of a jar of peanut butter on the food drive box) and even went in the fridge yesterday and said "Look mommy we have peanut butter to bring to school" I said "Ryan, that is mommy's peanut butter and it is opened I don't think they want that" He said "Yes mommy they do, they are hungry." I really have to go buy some peanut butter for the food drive!

Earlier this week I had thought this year I am going to adopt a family for Christmas and help someone who needs it so I did (oh yeah Peter by the way...). This family consisted of a husband and wife both 34 and 2 girls, 6 years old and 3 years old. The husband lost his job in this terrible economy but has been driving a truck "over the road" to support his family. He has been earning only $600 a month! They had to file for bankruptcy since they cannot pay their bills but were able to keep their trailer to live in (in NC) as long as they still pay for it. They literally have nothing but the roof over their heads and to make it worse the husband is only home 4 times a month because he is driving all over the country. They have no money to have Christmas, no money for any kind of present for the children, they need every cent for the bills they have and to put food on the table.

How do you tell a 6 and 3 year old that they have nothing from Santa? How can you stand the look of disappointment on Christmas morning they realized that Santa never came to their house? How does the 6 year old go back to school and tell her friends she had no presents. I could not bear the thought, it bought tears to my eyes.

Thankfully none of this will happen....

Love
Secret Santa

The Sound of Silence

I think that people who do not have children have no idea what happens all day in a house with a child and I am sure those childless people who are reading this right now are saying "No, we don't and we do not want to know." I also have said since having Ryan " I have a new found respect for any person who has more than one child."

Its funny, its like telling a person not judge until they walked a day in someone elses shoes, I have learned through motherhood how true that is. I remember being pregnant and on 14 weeks of bedrest which at the time I thought was pure hell, people kept saying to me "get all your rest now" and I thought they were a little nuts. Now I would trade my paycheck for a day of bedrest.

Ryan (an I am sure every other 3 1/2 year old) is wildfire. From the second he wakes in the morning he goes and goes. He does not stop talking for a second and of course you must fully acknowledge everything he is saying or hear "Right, mommy" over and over. I have also learned with Ryan that if he does not have some downtime during the day he is so tired that he actually sleeps worse at night. Ryan has always been a world class sleeper (just like mom) he slept through the night at 10 weeks old and really never had bad nighttime stages but my lord he needs naps.

And THAT is the latest challenge. He is at the age (he will be 4 in Feb) where napping means that you are missing something, so let me fight and fight sleeping until going to bed at night. Then we are in a crying meltdown just getting our pj's on, because he is so overtired. So we enforce "quiet time" which means he must go upstairs into his room and play in bed for approximately an hour to a hour and a half hoping that in that time he falls asleep. At one time he always fell asleep but these days it is not very common, and of course if we are busy we just miss it all together.

Today he is sleeping! He did not sleep well last night because he was so overtired from a super busy day and then he was up at 6:00 am to go to the bathroom and he never went back to sleep. I was praying for a nap today dreading the breakdowns later without one. Sometimes mom just needs a break

Oh the sound of silence...

The Best Stage

Today I came home from food shopping to my 3 1/2 year old standing at the door more than excited to carry in some groceries. I always make sure to keep a bag or 2 really light just because I know he will want to help and would be so disappointed if they were too heavy. He then dug through the bags because he asked me to get him chocolate. My kid who really do not like candy at all just absolutely loves milk chocolate, nothing fancy just M&M or crunch bars. Against my better judgement I gave him a mini crunch bar which he proceeded to eat all while humming "Mmmmm" and dancing around the kitchen, I guess he liked it.

He then "helped" me put away all the groceries, delivered items upstairs and then sorted the laundry too. He was responsible to find all the whites and put them in a pile and was very upset when I was trying to add my beige underwear to that pile. Now as we speak he is standing at the sliding glass door staring at Peter blowing the leaves, dying to go outside and help even though Peter told him that once he we done blowing the leaves he could come out, he wants out now! (as you can see in the picture he made it out there)

My point of all this is I love this stage so much. He is a helper, he does the most adorable things and says the funniest stuff. He recently decided that my Iphone box was a loaf of bread he baked and now daily it has to go in my fridge "to keep fresh" but I cannot bear to remove it especially since this morning he added pretend frosting to the top. Or when last night at 2 AM he called for me (which is odd he generally sleeps the night) and said there was a monster in the hallway. I told him that monsters were pretend which lead to the cutest 10 minute conversation I ever had at that time, including trying to explain what a dream was.

I also realize as I say this that every stage is the best stage and I will probably say this again in a month, a year and 3 years from now. I remember loving the tiny baby, lay on your shoulder and snuggle stage, I loved once he crawled and walked and when he first starting talking. He has always been a really good child so its easy to like to the stages that maybe I should be hating. He is polite and kind beyond his years. This week we bought food to the school for the Food Bank and I explained to him that there are people in this world that have no food and that we are very lucky to have food so we need to help them. He told me "that is sad mommy can we buy them more food?" He also has a little boy in his class who is autistic and he tends to play alone and no one bothers with him; lately he told me that he played with him because no one does and that he held his hand when they went outside so he did not run away. I was very proud of him this day.

Then I wonder will I love the 13 year old stage or the 16 year old stage or the "I hate my mother stage" when he locks himself in his room? He really is at the best stage right this second or maybe he is just my baby and I would love what he does even if it was a tantrum?

OK maybe not

Understanding God

Today, actually yesterday I had an epiphany. I think I finally understand God. OK maybe I do not totally understand God but I am starting to get it

I could not wait to come to my computer this morning and write this because I feel like "WOW I understand now, I get what others are saying." I would hear people say things like "I had a question that I placed before God and he lead me in the right direction" OR "I placed my problem in God's hand and he gave me the answer." Honestly my first thoughts always were Crackpot! What did he write you a note? Drop you a call? How did he answer you? He never answers me. Then this week happened...

I started this blog to get all the useless crap out of my head that I harp on all the time. And this has lead to much dialogue with others. I received a message from someone who shall remain nameless (you know who you are) and in the message it spoke about religion and religion helping us when we are down, how it has helped millions of people. In it she typed the following scripture

Luke 11.9-10. “So I say to you: Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you. For everyone who asks receives; the one who seeks finds; and to the one who knocks, the door will be opened.


I loved it immediately and thought about it all day. Then yesterday a woman I work with was talking about a book she absolutely loved and kept by her bedside. It was 10 Conversations You Need To Have With Your Children by Rabbi Schmuley she talked and talked about it and then said to me "I have it here, glance at it during lunch" So I did, it had 10 chapters and I saw the last chapter was named "God" and I went and read it. He talked about having purpose in life and how children need to learn about God showing them how there life has meaning and purpose, just not that you are born and you are disposable but that you are here for a reason. He went on to talk about a tragedy in his town (he lives in Englewood, NJ by the way) where 4 children perished in a fire and how everyone reacted. Many people were saying things like "They are in a better place now" or "it was God's will he will take care of them" but he said NO that is not how it is or how you have to feel. He went on to say how when tragedy happens we are told to act like well that is what should have happened God had a plan, but that is not right. We are allowed to question why? We are allowed to tell God that this sucks! We are allowed to not understand why this happened and be mad about it. Being in a relationship with God is not like some divine relationship it is like anyone else and we are allowed to not agree. I was blown away by that thought but realized he was right

I then discussed this with my friend at work and proclaimed my love for this book (which I immediately purchased off Amazon) and told her that I struggle with my religion and that Ryan is not even baptized due to the struggle and I felt like a hypocrite if I walk into church to get him baptized because I cannot believe in everything the church says or says I should do and not do. She said to me "You will never believe everything the church says but it is OK to have religion and faith and define what you believe yourself, no one says you have to buy the whole program" She went on to say (and I am paraphrasing here) Build a bridge and they will follow, seek and you will find, ask and he will answer.

And in that moment I realized that was in the scripture that was written to me in the message I received. And I realized THAT is how God gives you answers. It is not a note or a phone call from him as I once joked but he opens your eyes to the answer and makes it abundantly clear.

I am absolutely changed by this epiphany, I get it now, I see how God speaks to us and I believe in my faith even more today. I know that God does truly exsist and gave me direction today.

Loss Of A Holiday

I come from a strange family, OK not strange but we generally all like each other. We don't have any big blowout fights or hatred for one another we are basically content and know each of us has our own quirks and goes with it.


For many years (mostly through my childhood) we all lived very close together actually most of us were in the same town so all of my holidays consisted of going to my grandparents (fathers parents) for dinner and then cross the street to my other grandparents for the real fun part of the holiday. My cousins were there and the rest of my family. I loved it, I loved the holidays and actually still do. I remember that my Uncle Mike, who sadly has long left this earth used to dress up as Santa on Christmas Eve (we had no idea it was him, crazy kids) and come and visit us. Now I am not really sure why we believed that on the busiest night of the year Santa swung by a town like Moonachie to visit us but who cared at the time it was fun, fun, fun.


Christmas Day was always at our house, a small Moonachie house that was definitely more than tight for the 20+ people at Christmas but we strung tables end to end all through the house and made it work. The food that came from the 7x10 kitchen I still think about. Mmmmm


Fast forward to the present...Most of us are grown and married and there is now a new generation of little ones. While we enjoy each and every one, it's not the same. Most of the holiday get together have been broken off into the new family units except we did Thanksgiving together still. Oh course it changed some, as my poor 90+ grandfather never came anymore and we had the wonderful addition of Marta my grandparents live in helper but it was the holiday where we all were together and all in all it was a fun time.

This year that will end unfortunately and with Thanksgiving around the corner I am really very sad about it. My aunt who hosted dinner in her big house has moved out of state and no one has a home big enough to do such a large event. So again we will break off into our small immediate family units to make a new celebration and new traditions.

It's a loss for me, I strangely will miss it.

Why?

Why do bad things happen to good people? Actually, why do bad things happen at all?

I am not a very religious person but I have faith and a belief in a higher power. I believe that everything has reason and purpose and we all have life for a reason. Why do some people suffer so horribly? You hear these terrible stories on the news about people, raped and murdered at the hand of someone and the suffering breaks your heart. Why? Why are there babies bought into this world who are sexually abused or beaten so badly they do not make it to their first birthday?

I can never wrap my head around the bad in life. I just cannot understand it. While my suffering is leaps and bounds away from some peoples pain, I have often said about myself "why me?" I am a good person why have I had so many things to bare? Some have said to me "God never gives you more than you can handle." Really? But why so much?

I remember the day vividly my GI doctor told me I really needed to have an ileostomy done. I sat in his office stone faced and listened to what he told me, he had been (and still is) my doctor for a very long time and knows me well and I just said "OK." I walked out of his office to my car and drove home which at that time was close to his office, I walked in the door of my condo and lost it completely. I was an absolute blubbering mess! I called my parents house to where my dad answered the phone and I could not do anything but cry uncontrollably as he literally screaming in the phone "WHAT? WHAT IS WRONG? PLEASE TELL ME?" I somehow blurted out "I need an ostomy"

He called my mother who happen to be with my aunt at a meeting in Central NJ about an hour from me and they drove directly to my house, bringing Chinese food to drown my sorrows in. I remember we talked and talked about what this surgery would do for my life and how it would make me better again but I also remember thinking (an saying) "This is not in the plan"

We seem to make plans of how our lives will go and in my 42 years of life I have found that those plans rarely pan out. I never planned to work in a school district in Transportation, I was going to be a Medical Lab Tech in a hospital, I loved Microbiology and Medicine that was me. I never planned to marry at 35 and deal with years of infertility, I was going to be on kid #3 by 35 years old and married for a good 10 years already. I certainly never thought I would be sick and I never thought I would have an ostomy bag. It was just not in the plan...

Why? I wish I knew

Living Through The Eyes Of My Child

Today we purchased Ryan tickets to see the Imagination Movers (a Disney kids band for all you without 3 year olds) in May in NYC. They offered the regular old tickets or special VIP tickets which included a meet and greet with the Movers and a party with the Movers among other things. The price for the VIP tickets was a staggering $129 each. Peter and I debated back and forth about these tickets and thought of spending $380+ for a then 4 year old to see a band. You know what we bought the [damn] tickets.

For all of you who do not really know my child there is nothing more in the world that he loves more than music and instruments and bands. He literally plays with nothing else but his instruments and sings and dances constantly, it is really is what Ryan is all about. Actually not that long ago while passing by Princeton University he told me "Mommy I am going to go to that school" I said "Great! Ryan what are you going to be? A doctor? A lawyer?" He said "Mommy I am going to be a rock star"

Anyway, that is the point of why we spent $380+ today for Ryan to see the Movers. Because it is his greatest love and just to sit there with him, watching his most beloved band through his eyes is worth every cent to me.

Living through his eyes gives me the greatest pleasure in life. I love how he is so passionate about some things and hates other things so much. I love his excitement about events like Halloween or Christmas or that we will do something as simple as visit Grandma and Grandpa.

Living through the eyes of my son is one of the great things you get with having a child that no one told you about

It Will Not Define Me

Lately I have learned so much about myself. I think this all stems from not being the healthiest person on the block (now that's an understatment).

Since I found out that I again needed surgery I have been really having a tough time dealing with it and the emotions behind it. I went for many years beyond normal person sick but crazy sick with Crohn's. I went to weekly doctor appts followed by weekly tests and blood work. I went and went until I could not go anymore, I could not put up anymore fight then I did already and I gave in to the biggest surgery of my life.

For those of you who do not know this about me I am admitting it today. I have an ileostomy.....

I had my entire colon and "other end" (for lack of a better word) removed and now have an ostomy bag. It is hands down THE SINGLE MOST DEVESTATING THING I HAVE EVER DONE... I will not sugar coat it, I will not put it any other way. It was devestating. BUT it was also the best thing I ever done.

I was talking to Peter on the way to the hospital the other day about this and I explained it as a love/hate relationship. I love the life it has given me now but I hate that this is the choice I had to make. It was a hard surgery to have but since it happen on January 5, 2000, I have been different.

I have been better, I can leave the house, I can go out to eat and to the movies and not live for the bathroom, it has given me life. I learned to deal with it and it was "normal." But my different was not only on the outside (or inside for that matter) it was different inside my head.

I was petrified and no one knew it.... I was depressed and no one knew it.... I was different and no one knew it.

To everyone I was the Jill that is so strong and handles things so well. The Jill who people say "You have such a good attitude about this.

I never felt this way ever

I don't feel this way now with my latest medical mayhem. Honestly I want to be depressed and petrified again but I will not let it do that to me again. I have won the fight before and I will again "win the fight"

I have learned how to deal with my emotions, I have learned how to not be bothered by things I cannot control and not let them define me as a person.

I have learned that it is more important to be a good wife and a good mother then the "sick person." I know that bumps in the road are temporary and there are people that need the whole me.

That is who I will be...

THIS will not define me