His Personality

Ryan is so much of me, he is a character and always looking to make you laugh, he has that humor that I have that is witty and a tad sarcastic and sort of blunt, the not-trying humor, it just comes out funny all the time even when you are not trying. He has the perfection gene, the gene that I many times define as one of my faults. The same gene that made me practice my letters at 5-6 years old over and over until they were perfect, or re-write my shopping list because I cannot fit the cereal in I need to be in the exact spot it belongs on the list, or put the milk the the same spot in the fridge every time. He has it bad too, to the point that he will cry that he went outside the lines coloring, or the picture he is drawing is not absolutely perfect or the Lego will just not fit together the exact way he wants and I try my darnedest to make him understand that nothing has to be perfect but it does not always work. This same kid would cry if he got milk on his clothes or food on the floor because that was not "right" or "what good boys do" until finally I convinced him that is what washing machines are for or what brooms are for.

Ryan is also very much Peter. As much as he is the humor and perfection of me he is the quiet, shy, loner of Peter and frankly it boggles me, for lack of a better word and sometimes bugs me because I don't get it. I have that parent thing that I always feel the need to try and make everything perfect for him, mixed with teaching him right and wrong and how to handle life currently and in the future. I do not in anyway want to change Ryan I just want to steer him in the right direction.

Not that long ago about 1 month after Ryan changes schools his teacher wrote a note to me, it said "I hope Ryan is comfortable here he plays alone A LOT" and yes she capitalized it. I read it and said to her "that is Ryan, he is fine" and that is Ryan, but honestly it has bothered me since that day. Yes Ryan loves to play alone and do his own thing but he also likes to play with friends sometimes too he is just good on his own.

Why does this bug me so much? Probably because its not what I would do, play alone when you can play with friends? Why bother...So of course I watch him in every situation now with other kids and you know he does play alone a lot, most of the time. Is this an only child thing and I have damaged him without a sibling? Is this a good independent thinker thing? Is this an anti-social thing? Or a shy child thing? Or this is what I want to do right now and you don't thing? I wish I knew and could get it

Just recently we were at a party and there was I would say 12 or so children and again Ryan was doing his own thing and I was sitting by Peter worrying about this and telling Peter how I felt, he said to me "OK he likes to play alone what can you do about it? Are you going to force him to play with other kids?" Of course not, I kind of like that he is his own leader and not a follower but what about other kids? I am afraid that he will be lonely but Peter is right what can I do? Should i even want to do anything? Peter was that kid and survived and thrived just fine

Ryan is a good boy, a really good boy. He listens and always wants to do what is right, he is that child that wants to do right by his parents. He is smart beyond his years and loves school, he loves science, Spanish and sign language that he tells me about learning daily. He is a gentle boy who would never purposely hurt anyone, he is wise and caring. He is a perfectionist who is quiet and likes his own self and does what he want to do when he wants to do it and does not need a friend to do it. For all of these traits will make him a wonderful adult and this is just his personality, just who he was born to be. As much as I wish he was not shy in groups and more outgoing with people at times I would not change him for the world, he will always be perfect to me. Shy or outgoing he is what he is

Although I will admit its tough for me as the parent of a child who is not totally like me I need to understand the differences between us and nurture them and let them thrive in the future. Ryan and I are very close and we understand each other, I know exactly how to talk to him when he is bothered by something, I know how to relax him when he is bouncing off the walls or how to comfort him when he needs it but yet he is so different, he is a lot of what I'm not and its odd to me....

Its amazing how alike and different we are, lets not even go into how much he does NOT look like me

Travelling The Same Road Twice

At this moment my family is going through a really tough time with the terminal illness of my grandfather and I feel like we just did this with my grandmother, it was May 2010 and I am not sure I am up for this again. Clearly I don't get the choice and I realize that unfortunately since I come from a line of people who live long this means that those people are all late 80's or 90's at the same time and that is seeming to be our limits. Again my connection with God is coming front and forward in my life and honestly with each turn at this it makes me more of a believer and follower of what I have been taught.

When my grandmother was failing she was cared for by the wonderful hospice people and one of the things they discussed with us in length is the stages of death and how a person moves from the living world into death. I found it amazing that there are real stages and people actively go through the stages like clockwork as did my grandmother, I read the handbook and it was like someone was sitting at her bedside writing it down.

Why? Is this how our organs work, this is how they fail? Or is a higher power responsible for us going through these stages? In my mind this cannot just be how organs work why would it be, do they have a life expectancy like a car engine? Why does some organs then fail at infancy like in SIDS or at 35 or 91? Its just to odd form me to comprehend that to be the case

The pattern of the stages of death seem too orchestrated to be "just how the organs work", why do people not need nutrition or fluids anymore when clearly we needed them from the moment of our birth. Or why do people who are actively dying sleep in a sort of comatose state, seemingly to block ourselves from pain? Why are we left to be able to hear our loved ones to the end as our hearing is the last to go? Why do we many times need our families to let us go and free us from our living world obligations?

There must be a God that controls this and gives people the time and peace to die without fear and without pain. So many times you hear that the dying speak to family members who passed before them, I know my grandmother did is this just a coincidence that they are hoping for that person in their death or that person has truly come for them?

I belong to a very active debate board which I frequent daily and there are many atheists on the board and religion seems to come up a lot, the more and more I deal with death I just don't get them. Do they not believe because they have not looked at what is placed directly in front of them? Why do I believe that there is a higher power because I have opened my mind to it? Or again is that how it is suppose to be? What are they missing that they have not seen the signs or proof of more? Will the be afforded the same "stages of death" at the hand of God even if they do not believe in life?

I always had a tremendous fear of dying and trust me I am still not thrilled about it ever happening or having to leave Ryan and never see him again but I am starting to truly believe that it is not over when you are dead and that makes me feel good. It makes me feel so much better right now as my grandfather faces his final days, it makes me happy in my heart that I am sure he will meet his son again that so sadly passed before him or his parents who I am sure loved him so much. And in all my sadness right now for not only myself but for my mother, my aunts, uncles, cousins, grandmother, etc it strangely makes me happy inside that I know for certain that once he has passed we will meet him again someday. I am not sure why I feel that certainty now or where that message is coming from, but for me right now I am simply confident.

Understanding Limits

It seems for me lately this common message has been coming up again and again and I am starting to get it. Many times we are not ideal, we do not conduct ourselves they way others would want us too. I don't mean we act silly or anything, I mean the way we parent or the way we are a spouse or friend. Recently a friend of mine was talking of her mom and she said "She is not the mom I wanted but she did the best she could physically do, she could not do any better and I know that." Hmm interesting, people have limits, people cannot always be what we want. It sparked a great conversation.

I spoke of my grandmother and my father, they always had a difficult relationship and in her older days my father tried to speak of how he felt of his childhood. He perceived his childhood to be terrible and she did not perceive that but this is from a person who father was an alcoholic and died when she was 12. In her mind THAT was a horrible childhood and her child (my father) had a wonderful childhood, its all in the perception. Now I understand that it does not make my fathers perception change but there becomes an understanding that she absolutely did what she thought was best. She ultimately never wanted to hurt him or make him unhappy she just did not see a problem, what more could he have wanted? He wanted a more active mother, a more loving mother and that was not her, she is not the huggy lovey mom, she was not the huggy lovey granmother either. I wanted more from her too but she was not capable of opening her heart that way, its not in her makeup. You either accept it or let it bother you but its not her fault she did not do it to be hurtful, our personality has limits.

I realize that this is true in any relationship, unless you are a horrible person no one intentionally tries to do something to a person they care about that they would dislike. How many times have we had the fight with our significant others and hear ourselves say "sorry for trying to be nice" OR "sorry for trying to make you happy"? I sure know I have said that but I now realize that while maybe I thought I was doing my best, it was not what the other person wanted at that moment. Maybe he needed more from me at that moment and instead of the snarky "sorry for trying to be nice" seeing what he needed internally was the better answer.

Although, I think it is hard to stand there and think "could I have given more?" OR on the other side say to yourself....My mother/father/husband/etc did what THEY think is best and they are incapable of anything more and that is OK

People have limitations in personality, people have limitations of what they think is right or wrong. People who love you will never intentionally make you sad or hurt, you they are giving the best to them and we as people who maybe want more or something different have to realize each persons limits and that is what makes them.